Diffidence..

ermm..
today i am quiteee depressed..
haixxxx..
due to next week we will have our presentation,so the english tutor decided to test us today..we supposed to gv a 3 minutes speech~
i think everyone presented well~~~~~
the only one excluded is - me.
when i was out there, i had no confidence at all..
i spoke like a moron.
ya..
then the tutor commented that my voice is monotonous..
same wave, not interesting, boring..
i totally agree with that.

actually this is not the main thing that made me soo upset today..
this fact recalled me about my past..
i believe the ones who are close to me know that i failed 3 times for my grade 8 piano examination.

now i recalled back during the oral test of the piano, how idiot i was, how nervous i was and
how diffident i was.

Practice was not the reason i failed, coz i practised a lot. u know, sitting for the same grade examination for 3 times..

but it lies on.. i have no confidence.

whenever i faced the examiner, i screw up everything..
the way i performed was completely different from what i had practiced in my house.
every single hardwork that i had made was worthless.
i dissapointed my piano teacher who taught so well and always inspire me, my parents who spend all the expense needed in my lesson and exam, my sister who always encourage me and ,me,who tried to finish all the grades.

i hate to be like that, becoming extremely nervous is my biggest weakness..
how i wish i was confident and calm during the exam.
whenever i face this kind of thing, oral test,presentation and whatever, i just fail.

soo the thg happened today made me understand that how lousy i am.
haix, it does trouble me a lot.
as i was in the class 2.2, (the class is arranged according to the level of english.)
every times i wonder why would i be distributed to this class..
they are all outstanding, they speak well they write well.
frankly, i must and have to admit that i m the worst despite the level in english in this class..
i m far far away from everyone of them.

ya, i have no confidence at all.

other than that, i was too shy..
other than interacting with the 3 girls in my class, i do not communicate with others.
they are all friendly and open minded~~
the problem lies on me again..
maybe i m a psycho?
i m definitely a weirdo.

whenever my relatives or my parents' friend, my sister's friends come,
i always hide at upstairs. i never been friendly to visitors who came to our house~
soo my mum kept asking why am i like that,
"u know that it is not normal ?"
i don't know how to socialize..and this is soooo important in our lives~

haa like what florence wrote in her blog, speaking is really important.
and yet i am unable to speak well. but vice versa.

and now, i m worried too.
it doesnt matter if i am so lousy.
but i afraid that i will drag my friends down~
it is a group presentation.
i really don't want to affect their performance arr..
i dun wan to ruin everythgs and i feel sorry for them, who have to work with me in the assignments..

hoooz i m really a LOSer.

i definitely hope that i can change to a better person, i wish i have confidence..
but how can a person change his or her personality if he or she is just being like that?
this is me~

aiyo, i know what i wrote is really sad and pessimistic..
but yeah, this is the problem i face with..
please dun worry for me ya~

hope this sem ends as soon as possible~~~~jiayou.